david cook ruined my life

david cook. we have to talk. it’s about your eliza dushku…thing.

STALKING IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE CUTE, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME YOU?

so, ok. i’m basing this on my [extremely, wildly] limited knowledge of his life and vaguely assuming he doesn’t actually know her? so he starts following her on twitter, and that’s adorable. and he tweets at/about her once or twice. aw! then he adds some pancake joint she’s always talking about. getting kind of creepy, dude. but okay, well…whatever, maybe those red velvet pancakes just got him excited.

then yesterday, he opined: “@elizadushku likes the celtics. I smiled a little…” and i’m like “wtf? that sounds like something i would say about him! ‘@thedavidcook likes fall out boy. i smiled a little…’” [note: i just made that up] i think i tweeted something like “dude, @elizadushku is @thedavidcook’s david cook!” and i sort of shook my head and smiled indulgently.

so last night i went out to a concert and my phone died, so i missed this:

and this!

wtf?! it WORKED? his creepy fanboy stalking WORKED! and instead of being all “omg, bb, how so lame?” i wanted to give him a high five. ruuuuuuuuined.

[also, just putting this out there: considering the women he usually seems to go for (and isn’t his taste hilariously appalling for a dude who is like ridiculously close to perfect?), i’d say if he has to stalk someone, ms. dushku is a huge step up. too bad about her ginormous boyfriend.]

[also also, i am aware of the irony of a ridiculous fangirl such as myself calling dave’s behavior “stalking,” i promise. heh.]

the thing is, i’m 12. well, not chronologically, but behaviorally. i giggle when i watch sports on tv and they say someone has two balls, or when they talk about, like, penetration. i have a dirty mind. i say “that’s what she said” more than any 5 normal people.

but david fucking cook said “suck it hard” and i can’t even be all OKAY BB, WHIP IT OUT. because he’s being all perfect and sensitive and shit. UGH.

ruined. :(

you know how i know you’re gay david cook has ruined my life?

it’s gotten to the point that i can no longer distinguish between shit that i thought about/wished for or shit that actually happened.

if you follow me on twitter, maybe the other day you saw my tweet, in which i said:

ok i just woke up completely convinced that @thedavidcook kissed a dude on stage at some point. did i *dream* that? i think i did. uh, right?

now, the thing is, someone should remember an occurrence like that. it shouldn’t be confusing. like, i know that ryan star kissed him in little rock (as all my friends reminded me) but i was remembering (or, uh, “remembering”) seeing a photo in which dave and some dude were in an actual liplock on stage. obviously i should’ve known it wasn’t true because it wasn’t neal (i’m just saying, if it happened, CLEARLY IT WOULD BE NEAL), but i honestly wasn’t sure.

i gave it some thought, and i realized that the REASON i had that dream (other than it just being hot, thanks subconscious) is that the night before, dave had tweeted at eliza dushku, currently of dollhouse and who, at one time, played a character named faith on buffy the vampire slayer. which reminded me of a fanfic i’d read (shut UP) ages ago in which david and faith had hot sex and saved the world. it was awesome.

around that same time, i read a different fanfic (seriously, bite me) in which david, for some reason, played with green day on some awards show, and billie joe kissed him before they played “longview.” (which, if you know that song: appropriate!)

anyway, i think that’s what got it into my head. the fact that i didn’t know if it was real, however, is another story. i’m happy to say, tho, that i’ve decided that the confusion isn’t my fault. guess whose fault it is?

in fight club, tyler durden tells us “it’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.”

by that logic, since david cook ruined my life, anything is possible.

therefore, how can i blamed for thinking he’d indulged in a random onstage makeout with some dude? i cannot. his fault, as per usual! suck it, cook! (or at least make out with it. “it” being your guitarist.)

this is not a clever post or a funny post. somehow i don’t think you’ll mind.


UNF.


UNF.


UNF!

his ARMS, yo. holy mother of all things masturbatory. i want to climb him like a fucking tree.

and no arms here, but who cares?


stick a fork in me. i’m done. finito. kaput. RUINED.

[photo credit.]

as much as i bemoan the ruination that david cook inflicts on my life, i’m totally willing to allow him to ruin these five tv shows i love.

how i met your mother. easy! he plays himself, in town for some music event. he’d fit right in with the gang. you know lily and marshall voted for him together, so they’d be stoked to meet him, and he could fascinate/infuriate barney by having women constantly flocking to him just because he’s, y’know, him. plus, the chance for a neil patrick harris/jason segel/david cook musical number? GAH. it’d be legen - wait for it…

the office. once again, he plays himself. dwight wins a radio contest to have him come play an acoustic set (he can bring neal, so that’s even better) during lunch at dunder-mifflin one day. michael is embarrassing and sets up a mock AI judging panel with stanley as randy, erin as paula (because “with pam knocked up, erin is now the hottest in the office” — although the camera will cut to a shot of meredith swaying drunkenly at her desk, haha), and himself as simon. angela will be outwardly disapproving and secretly aroused. andy (bernard, not skib) and kevin will both try to slip him demos. jim will be vaguely annoyed that there’s someone cuter than him around.

true blood. vampires are hot right now, and clearly this show is the best option (although i hear the vampire diaries isn’t as bad as i think it is). he’s already got the necessary scruff, so swap his cowboy boots for motorcycle boots and he could easily play one of the rough ‘n tough werewolves of jackson, mississippi. or maybe he’s the long-lost brother of bar owner/shapeshifter sam merlotte? or hell, just give him a 30-second scene in which he gets bitten by alexander skarsgard’s eric northman. best cameo ever!

dollhouse. he’s already following hottie star eliza dushku on twitter, so let’s give him a chance to work his magic and try to get her to follow him back. dave can play a sweet, sensitive up-and-coming rock musician whose label wants to heat up his image with a hot lady love. enter echo, imprinted as the girl of his dreams (he thinks she won a radio contest to meet him). when their sex tape leaks, he’s horrified (even as his sales spike), the label is jubilant, and his girlfriend is back at the dollhouse being wiped. his star continues to rise, but he never finds out the truth. (he writes a song about her and it goes to #1.) on the dollhouse side of things, paul ballard is furious, and adele struggles with her feelings for victor.

glee. um, DUH. he could play an old school rival of will’s. the long-lost lovechild of sue sylvester. puck’s guitar teacher. the hot older boyfriend of some random cheerio. himself. a janitor at the school. WHATEVER. the point is, get him on there.

[…dary.]

hey, world, remember this? i was on the phone with my mom when it aired, anxiously awaiting the american idol results and jabbering away to her about dialidol and all the voting we’d done and whatever, totally ignoring the tv, and all of a sudden my mom SCREAMS “look at the tv! look at the tv!” and i kind of vaguely think i hung up on her? sorry, mom.

life: ruined. phone call: ruined. risky business: ruined forever.

because no pantslessness can ever compare to david cook pantslessness. FACT.

this tattoo upsets me. not because i don’t like it. but because i do. i want to gnaw on it. unf.

but i shouldn’t. because it’s SILLY. it’s so, so silly. rock! flag! eagle! i know it’s an “always sunny” reference and not actually an overzealous attempt at patriotism, but…well, it’s still silly.

but neal has one too! neal tiemann! so that’s an automatic +1, right?

and then there’s that placement! it’s such an intimate spot. even on those hot fucking arms of his (unf unf unf) it’s a delicate place.

i…don’t actually know where i was going with this. i feel like i started this post with a punchline, and i lost it along the way. i mean, whatever, i mostly just wanted to post this picture (you’re welcome), but i had, like…thoughts at one point.

so let this be a lesson, i guess. david cook has ruined my life AND my blogging abilities. and if it can happen to me, it can happen to you, too.

i was listening to ludo on the subway today and this song came on. it’s one of my favorite songs, and it’s always reminded me of dave, but today it reminded me of a specific incident in which i found myself saying some really ridiculous shit.

you should listen to the song, because it’s awesome, but if you suck and don’t listen, just know that it’s about a dude being in love with some girl he doesn’t know, and then he has a whole, like, audio fantasy sequence, like so:

maybe you’d be kidnapped by pirates
and they would take you to their hideout
as pirates often do
but i’d find the secret map
and i would vigilante-bushwhack
through the jungles of peru
just to save you

and i’d take you north to mexico
where you would tell me your life story on the steps of a mayan temple
where we’d camp, singing nonsense songs in 12 bars to the jaguars
until you’d sense me
your eyes convincing
and i would kiss you like a hero in the half-light

dryer sheets and peach shampoo, the smell of palm leaves, I’d sleep against you
until the natives found us, but they would crown us king and queen
and we could stay there, spend our days there, eating guava by the sea
and i could understand your views and you could fall in love with me


and while the silly human race talks to droids in outer-space
we grow old and laugh about this song
and between the jungle and the stars, you sing nonsense songs in 12 bars to me
and in my sleep I hum along

adorable, right? i know!

anyway. here’s a story for you. one day, i maybe sort of accidentally had the alleged phone number of a certain life-ruining rockstar fall into my lap. (no, i’ve never called it and no, i’m not giving it to you. i actually don’t think i even have it anymore - my old phone died.) anyway, so i get this phone number and i’m irrationally excited. but i don’t know why i’m excited, because i’m clearly not going to use it.

so i’m talking to a friend about it, and i’m like “whatever. it’s nice to have it, but it’s not like i’m going to call it.” and she’s like “yeah, that’d be creepy.” and i’m like “i KNOW!…obviously i would only use it in case of emergency.”

and she’s like “…emergency?”

“well, like…i don’t know. for his own good. like, what if, i don’t know, someone was after him and i knew about it? or if someone was trying, to, like, KIDNAP him? i could call and be like ‘omg dave, i know you don’t know me, but WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T GET ON THAT YACHT! IT’S A TRAAAAAP! and maybe he’d be skeptical, but something would make him listen to me, and it’d turn out i was right. and he’d be all grateful and he’d probably call me to thank me. and i’d be all gracious and mysterious. which wouldn’t happen because if he called me i’d be severely losing my shit, but whatever. he’d be intrigued. and that would be the beginning of our epic romance.”

yeah.

RUINED.

ruined ruined ruined. i was flickrstalking and i found this, and just. i mean. DAVID COOK, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?!?!? however, more importantly: DAVID COOK, YOUR FAAAAAAAAAAACE.

(really, tho, boyfriend. ilu but where did you get that, forever 21?)

(but your FACE omg.)

(i miss you.)

my top 10(ish) most favorite life-ruining tweets by david f. cook, esq.

ugh ugh ugh DAVID COOK SHUT YOUR FACE. first of all, ew. don’t say “poop,” and certainly don’t encourage the dog to do so in your brother’s BED, yo. but. but. “Luuuuv UUUUU”?!?!?! get the fuck out of here. my heart has exploded into one million tiny winged scottie dogs that are fluttering around my head.

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then there’s this.

“i love all animals,” he says. SRSLY SHUT UP. so cuuuuute. ugh. ihatehim.

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however! as much as i think he is made of [magic] rainbows and love and sex and candy, sometimes david cook can be kind of a douche. the thing is, i fucking LOVE it when he’s a douche. omg. for example: in response to: “@thedavidcook this aint a question….haha, but, could you wish my friend a happy 15th birthday? it would mean so much to her!! :)”

omg, doooooouche. ♥ you know that chick is like 14 and he totally mocked her and i love it. i don’t think it’s mean-spirited, but it’s fucking funny.

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seeing as how ryan star is one of my other very most favorite dudes, their relationship makes me all starry-eyed. this tweet is extraspecialadorable and no, i don’t know why. IT JUST IS. don’t question it.

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probably his most life-ruining tweet EVER. he deleted this for reasons unknown, but i found a screencap. SO THERE. (quick background: the american music award nominations were announced yesterday. dave wasn’t nominated. many fans were…less than pleased, and rather vocal about it.)

i don’t know if he thought it sounded douchey (which, as i mentioned, i enjoy) or what, but i thought this was so sweet and classy of him. he ruined my life twice with this one. first by posting it, and then by deleting it. THAT TAKES SKILL.

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this is a double…no, a triple life-ruiner! first of all, my friend asked the question, so that’s an automatic win. second, his answer is actualfax funny, not just funny in an “oh wow, he’s lame but i’d still bang him like a screen door in a hurricane” way but in an actual clever way. and third, then he goes “…awesome…” and we’re back to “lame but man do i wanna get it get it.” he gives me whiplash. sexy sexy whiplash.

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*hands* WHY SO CUTE, DUDE?

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ha. haha. hahahaha! mostly i like this one because it gives me filthy thoughts about kneeling in front of him with my mouth open. like i wouldn’t anyway. (shut up, you know you were thinking the same thing.)

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there’s absolutely nothing important about these except that they’re to meeeeeeeeeeee. sadly, he still won’t answer the one question i’ve wanted to ask him for, like, over a year. i keep trying but so far, no dice. it’s gotten to the point that my friends randomly tweet the question to him just so i can stop asking. /o\ @thedavidcook what’s your favorite butch walker song?! *cough* sorry. habit.

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WITCHES CHASING HIM THROUGH AC VENTS, YOU GUYS. DO I EVEN NEED TO COMMENT ON THIS? HEE.

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you know how, like, new parents think everything their kid does is SO FUCKING INCREDIBLE? basically, david cook is like my kid. except that would be creepy and wrong on a lot of levels. my point is, i tend to be really impressed by him on like a regular basis. if you’ve ever stood near me at a show, you’ll know that i crack up at every lame joke he makes. so, the reason i like this tweet? because of the little :/ dude. no, really, that’s it. i think it’s fucking adorable. (RUINED.)