david cook ruined my life

somewhere, david cook is crying and he doesn’t know why.

(hint: he’s crying because he is JEALOUS. and he doesn’t know why because HE WON’T GET A FUCKING TWITTER.)

look, boyfriend. i know. it’s mundane. people don’t need to know that you ate a turkey sandwich at 12:43 p.m., and obviously that is not something you’re comfortable sharing with us.

but guess what? i don’t give a fuck about your turkey sandwiches. and as i’m fairly certain there are few people in this world who love you as embarrassingly much as i do, i doubt ANYONE gives a fuck about your turkey sandwiches. except maybe really hungry people who would be jealous. but for the purpose of this discussion (one-sided tho it may be), those hungry folks are irrelevant.

david cook, do you know that there’s a fake you on twitter with more than SIXTEEN THOUSAND FOLLOWERS? all of those people think that it’s really you talking about fucking jon and kate and spelling “what” as “wat.” aside from the fact that you should sue whatever bitch is running that twitter for fucking defamation of character for making you sound like a total idiot — what about all those followers? not only are they subjecting themselves to utter idiocy out of their fondness for you, but they think they’re talking to you! imagine how sad they’ll be if they ever realize it’s not you!

THINK OF ALL THE LIVES BEING RUINED BY YOUR LACK OF TWITTER INITIATIVE. (TWINITIATIVE?)

look, dave, darling. i know, now you’ve said, like, 50000 times that you don’t want to get twitter and you’re not going to get twitter. so probably even if you kind of feel like maybe it might be vaguely interesting (look me in the eye and lie lie lie tell me you don’t want to read david archuleta’s hilariously awkward tweets), now you don’t want to get one, because you said you wouldn’t and now it’d be like you were a pussy and a sellout or something.

guess what? just like your turkey sandwiches, nobody cares. you suck at blogging, you suck at posting vlogs, you suck at putting out ‘pork beans.’ YOU CAN GRACE US WITH 140 CHARACTERS ONCE IN A WHILE, BRO. do you KNOW how excited i would be if you got a twitter? i am ashamed to admit how excited. and coming from me, you know that means it’s pretty intense.

so, in the spirit of this entry, i will end this by merely saying: #dcrml